Ashley Sterne Advertising the Wider Holiday

An Ashley Sterne article from The Passing Show Summer Annual 1929.  Mr. Sterne lays it on pretty thick here with very broad humor.  There are a few ellipses toward the end, where I could not make out the fuzzy text.



Advertising the Wider Holiday


When the high-speed, long-distance, non-stop aeroplane emerges successfully from its present experimental stage, as assuredly it must ere long, and becomes as cheap and popular a method of celestial transport as the railway is of the terrestrial variety; when we can whack our money down and obtain a ticket for Borneo or Barbados in the same matter-of-fact way as we now book to Bournemouth or Barmouth; when, in short, at the traveling-rate of 300 miles per hour, we can get so far away from this extraordinary Land of Hope deferred and Dora as 4000 miles in the same time as it now takes to travel by train from London to Aberdeen; then will be the opportunity to plan our summer holiday on lines entirely different from those to which we have been accustomed.

We shall be able not only to “think imperially,” but universally, too, on this most important matter, instead of being restricted, as we are for the time being, merely to pondering it provincially.

Those of us who yearn for the exotic delights of the Southern Seas will then be no longer required to put up with Southbourn as a substitute; nor will those of us who pine for the Tortugas be compelled to rest content with Torquay.

Practically any place on the surface of the globe will be as readily accessible to us as any other; and verily shall we be able to exclaim with Mr. Gow, Mr. Sweeting, and Mr. Sam Isaacs, “The world is mine oyster.”

And then, during the holiday months, what curious reading the apartments-to-let and boarding-house and hotel announcements in the daily papers will make!  For I think that it may safely be assumed that holiday-resort landladies will prove ultimately to be pretty much of the same kidney all the world over, and very whit as eager to advertise the attractions of their establishments and environments as are their sisters who control the stately Homes-from-Home of England.

Never be surprised, then, if, on scanning the columns of your newspapers one day in the not-too-distant future, your eye should encounter some such announcements as the following, which I have very kindly prepared as specimens of the kind of thing which overseas lessors of holiday accommodations will eventually need to draw up for our information.


SOLOMON ISLANDS — Only 12,000 miles from London!  Nice palm-leaf circular hut to let for the summer months.  One room, diameter about 6.5 feet.  Suit single lady or gent. or Siamese twins.  Rent, 25 cowrie shells per week.

Splendid sea view obtainable from apex of roof.  Air very bracing, replenished with ozone thrice weekly by furious tornados.  Plenty of amusements.  Surf-bathing and pearl-diving (sharks permitted); head-hunting; frequent assegai and poisoned arrow competitions with human targets.

Cattle-stealing forays into the interior.  Cannibal orgies every evening, with specially fattened missionary served on Gala nights.  Dancing all day and every day to native tom-tom and ukulele band.  New tattooing parlour just opened under skilled management.  All the latest designs from Paris.  Nose-piercing and ear-lobe-elongating carried out while you wait.  Come and see the Solomons in all their glory!


UPERNAVIK (Greenland) — The Riviera of the Arctic!  Desirable detached igloo to let, standing on our ice-floe.  Very healthy situation, close to famous icy mountains.  Death-rate from mosquito-bite, heat apoplexy, and sunstroke, nil.  Reindeer garage, with hoof inspection-pit.  Admirable cold storage arrangements.  No drains.

Illumination by midnight sun and Northern Lights.  Magnificent sports centre.  Sealing, whaling, gnashing of teeth, penguin-racing. snow-balling, Pole-walking, etc. all free to visitors.

Daily kayak-excursions to neighbouring icebergs.  Special display of the aurora borealis every night.  Fresh blubber, spermaceti, and ambergris delivered daily.  For further particulars write Krakenbook and Angelink, Igloo and Iceberg Agents.


PING-PONG (China)  —  He-Tael Chow-Chow.  Velly plenty nice.  Plettily situated at mouth of Bung-Ho Liver.  Topside lestoulant, sepalate tables, seplate chopsticks, sepalate chop-suey.  Own gong-band plays nightly under dilection of Mr. Won Long Din.

Plivate opium den, fan-tan saloon, and Amerlican chin-chin bar.  Washee washee done on plemises.

Daily water-picnics in own motor-junk watchee muchee piecee pilates.  Palanguin excursions inland to visit celiblated joss-house.  Temple of Seven Sacled Saveloys.  Feast of Lanterns everly Saturday (Extresion Night); make foleign devils laugh topside.  Lesident medicine-man (Dr. Fu Manchu) and joss-pidgin-man (Rev. Too Long Tung).  Evelthing velly chop-chop.  Lite for full taliff to ploplietess, Mrs. Yung Kow.


SAHARA DESERT  —  Fine large tent to let, with use of touring caravan, situated near well-wooded oasis, completely fitted with date-palms, draw-well, camel-park, and praying carpets.  Suit party of ladies seeking abduction, or family with young children.

Splendid sands for youngsters to play on; camel-rides; birds’ nesting for ostrich-eggs.  Exciting sandstorms at frequent intervals.  Magnificent mirages daily, including personal appearance of the world-famous Fata Morgana herself at every performance. 

Arab raiding-parties in constant attendance...

CHUTNEEGATAWNEE (India)  —  Fine bungalow to let…  Keating’s insecticide used throughout the building…  Superb Bombay duck and mongoose shooting.  Tiger-hunting…  Largest stock of human-fed maneaters (plain or striped) in India.

Snake-charming performances daily…  Exhibitions of suttee, elephants, and extraction of Indian ink from cuttlefish.

Special August Bank Holiday attractions, including the burial alive of Yamayama, the world-famous Yogi, upside-down in a barrel of tallow…


N. DAKOTA  —  Stay at the commodious family wigwam, “Big Sea Water View,” under the management of Big Chief Hiawatha (“Roaring Cheese”).  Ample accommodation for braves and squaws. Papooses not objected to.

Excellent cuisine, under personal supervision of Old Nikomia, specially noted for its sturgeon, pike, pemmican, buffalo marrow, haunch of deer, hump of bison, yellow cakes and wild rice.

Flute-and-drum dance-band every evening.  Exhibition dances…  Every facility for recreation: quoits, ball-play, bowl-and-counters, plum-stones.

Outdoor attractions include scalping-parties, shooting the falls of Minnehaha, and canoe-racing on Gitchi Gumee.