Ashley Sterne The Millionaire Business

I assume that this little article is by Ashley Sterne because of the final line.  The article was published in The Daily Mail (Brisbane, Qld) 13 April 1921.


The Millionaire Business

(By A. TRAINEE.)


I expect you will be surprised to learn that I am saving up to be a millionaire.

I have come to the conclusion that the only business in which there is any money is the millionaire business, and it seems a pity that my folk didn't put me in the millionaire line instead of the law— in which I was a great success as a failure.

Still, I mention this so that you will not be surprised if you find me opening up as a journeyman millionaire.  My tailor already thinks I am in that line.  At least, that is the impression he gave me when I received his bill the other day.

But we amateur millionaires never get a real chance.  No sooner do we start out as millionaires than the landlord calls and takes our five pounds and we are reduced to the ranks right away.

THEY REVEL IN RUIN.

I can do the talking side of the millionaire business all right. In fact, I’ll bet anybody I could take prizes in it — if they didn't make me put them back again.  I have listened to millionaire men talking well off, and it is pathetic to think what they have got to put up with.

One of them will tell you he has lost fifty thousand pounds on "Can. Pacs.”  He swears he is ruined, and then goes off and orders a couple of bottles of champagne in order to ruin himself some more.  These millionaires simply revel in being ruined, and there's nothing like champagne to help a man on the right road.  The last time I ordered champagne it ruined me.

Then you will hear one of them start crying, "I offered Jones £200,000, but he wouldn't take it."

Wouldn't take it, mind you.  I can’t think what Jones could have been thinking about.  If he wouldn't take £200,000, why didn't they offer it to me?  I'd show him how to take it.  And if they made it £300,000 I expect I'd have taken it even then.  I'm very funny that way.

But if you want to be a millionaire you must read their life stories.  They were all demons for work.  They used to work at their offices all day long, and they were never a minute late in the morning.  They got promoted, and, generally speaking, ended up by marrying into the millionaire business.

MY PRESENT FORTUNE

Remember, therefore, if you want to be a proper millionaire, never be a minute late at the office.  If you arrive at the office a minute late one morning you are doomed.  You can give up the millionaire idea right away.  I ought to have started this millionaire training by getting up at 5 o'clock every morning instead of at 10 a.m. when it is fine.

Again, if you read the life stories of millionaires you will find that they all arrived in London with only sixpence in their pockets.  So if you want to be a millionaire, and have the misfortune to arrive in London with a shilling in your pocket, you must throw sixpence away.  Some budding millionaires have tried it with 5 1/2 d and wondered why they failed.   Don't do that.  Sixpence is the amount — not 5 1/2 d.

I don't think I could have got hold of the idea right when I arrived in London with my sixpence in my hand, because I hadn't been there long before a 'bus conductor took it away from me and I had to go home for another sixpence and start all over again.

Still, I am getting along very well.  I already have £5 0s 1 3/4d, all of which is due to the fact that I am strictly sober, have worked hard, have given keen attention to business, and that I have just borrowed five pounds from our friend Ashley Sterne.